Archive for August, 2009

What’s your tribe:much ado about nothing!

August 15, 2009

 What’s your tribe? : much ado about nothing!

Some NGO or other has decided to enter the fray of trying to figure  out the ‘ethnic healing’ quagmire in Kenya. It has decided to hit the ground running by advocating for the removal of the question of tribe from the census questionnaire, and has gone a step further to dare send out volunteers to accompany the enumerators telling people not to answer the ‘tribe‘ question.


For starters somebody ought to tell these guys that statistics is one nonsensical branch of science whose practical benefits even the statisticians can’t explain. For instance, after the census, there will be ridiculous figures such as

a) The per capita income in Kenya is ksh.600, 000 per annum. How much does an unemployed youth earn?

b) The national debt divided by the population in Kenya is about ksh. 35,000 per head.. So, when are you planning to start repaying that debt?


Secondly, any statistician worth his salt will tell you that it’s pretty easy to come up with quite accurate figures about tribe even without asking the particular question. I mean, there’s no way in hell a name like Njuguna will belong to a Caucasian race!


Thirdly, the act of not mentioning my tribe doesn’t make me non tribal: it actually makes one a hypocrite. In fact, the idea that changing my name to Ephraim Simon from Ephraim Njuguna will make me non-tribal is not only ludicrous, but imbecilic too.


The upshot: tribe will always be part of us, and if you even remotely think you can get people out of their tribes, then you are a stupid dog-  sorry, you are like a dog-  that keeps running away from its tail!


What we need to do is to let the tribe be. Stop hyping on it as a negative thing; you will just make people internalize it.  I can imagine the scenario if the said NGO was allowed its way. The census official asks the questions to a family. All are answered until the ‘tribe’ question, and the ‘anti tribe question’ official butts in with “ don’t answer that!”. After the exercise, the children ask the parents: “why were you told not to answer that?”. The parent answers that it’s because ‘tribe’ is bad.  “Which one?”, the child still wants to know.


Then you get wondering, who is more stupid? The one who is funding such a stupid project, the one who wrote the proposal or the implementers. If these guys are bright, then, I am a rocket scientist!


By the bye, since Kenyans are so fixated on groups, are we likely to see another project in future demanding the removal of ‘gender question’ from the census, in the spirit of dealing with gender inequality…?

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Brand kenya:home to

August 15, 2009

 Imbecile intellectuals


 Kenya is among those African countries with the highest percentage of educated people, but with all those brains put together they can barely scratch a 1.7% annual growth rate! In addition, the average Kenyan political behavior is that one of a standard four pupil. Sample this:


ü       A whole people can be convinced that a growth percentage of 7% is not good enough; they kill each other and destroy property to bring it to a respectable 1.7%

ü       People can kill each other over democracy(haki yetu)

ü       They can be lied to and confused to believe that  the only difference between democracy and anarchy is actually the spelling

ü       They believe leaders is the other name for politicians

ü       So obsessed with stupid politics that they can even stop working to listen to a politician telling them how he will create jobs for them

ü       They elect politician on the platform of reform agenda who frustrate the same process once in power, so that they can get elected on the same platform next time.

ü       They elect politicians on the platform of youth agenda, and who promptly raise the retirement age to 80 once in power.

ü       Believe that once their tribe is in power, all their problems become past tense

ü       Human rights means rights of law- breakers

ü       Have to abuse the president to become popular

ü       Confuse democracy with licentiousness

ü       Believe that a new constitution will solve all their problems , including taking them to heaven

ü       Splitting the country is synonymous with splitting the ‘national cake’-whatever that is-which implies they will benefit more

ü       Believe that sports will prevent the next bout of post- election violence

ü       Believe that politicians can arrest themselves, book themselves in, prosecute themselves and take themselves to jail.

ü       Believe that if they stop using their surnames there will be ethnic healing and reconciliation!


You are interested in seeing this sub- species of homo sapience?  Please, pay Kenya a visit!


Religious sinners


85% of Kenyans, and counting, profess to be religious; Churches of one kind or the other  only come  second to pubs. Who would have ‘thank’ it!  The sins that get done in Kenya annoy even the devil!


You need samples? Kwani where were you during the ‘07/08 post election violence, the day mungiki killed just about everyone in a village, carjacking… ?

Of Moreno-Ocampo

August 2, 2009

Anyone with a crude weapon somewhere? Or even better, is there a railway track leading to Argentina that we may uproot?

Reason: Moreno O’campo is “finishing my tribe”!  He has decided to prosecute the masterminds of the post- election violence of ‘07/‘08.

What to do? Lets do the done thing: lets kill all the Argentineans we know. Lets  kill Morenos, Morinho(sorry, that’s a Portuguese), Messi, Teves,Meza(sorry, that’s a Kuwaiti), Maradona, Madonna( sorry, that’s a … ) and more! And while still at it, let’s have a coffee boycott: let’s uproot all coffee plants, shun all coffee beverages…

No one has ever accused us Kenyans of being intelligent. Or have they?